#472 Resolution

You say you want a resolution?  Well, you know, it’s that time of year for them, right?  Not for me.  I avoid waiting until January 1 to implement my life changes.  Yes, some have coincided with the timing of a brand-new year, but overall, I believe if you want to make a change, make it right then.  Be it July, October, or whenever. 

Over the past year or so, I have resolved to become more clutter free.  I’ve read the books (among them, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondo, and “Soulful Simplicity” by Courtney Carver).  I’ve managed to re-organize and purge to a degree.  I hope to keep going and then train myself to not replace the old stuff with new stuff. 

As a newly turned 50-year old woman who has never been married, you might think the new year (and impending Valentine’s Day) would increase my resolve to join an online dating site.  We’re bombarded with ads on TV and online.  “Join now!”  “Join for free!”  “See our special deal!”  Everyone (seemingly) is doing it, right?  How else am I going to meet someone? 

Stick a fork in me.  I’ve participated in online dating.  And I’m done.

I’ve been single most of my life and have experienced the growth and now, explosion, of online dating. 

In my 20s, there was a thing called a personal ad, which was printed in newspapers (remember those?).  People created a tiny paragraph about themselves, complete with abbreviations to fit everything in.  SWF – single white female.  D – divorced.  HWP – height weight proportional.  LTR – long term relationship.  You get the picture.  (Although there were no pictures.)  They were something I would occasionally scan for fun but never thought about responding to.  Of course, I’d look for those who listed their height.  So would my mom.  She randomly cut them out and gave them to me.  I would promptly toss them in the trash. 

In a moment of weakness (I’ve had a lot of these unfortunately) I called a guy from a personal ad.  We talked a few times and went out once.  He was nice, but not for me.  (Soon to become a recurring theme.)

Back then, personal ads were for the desperate.  You didn’t admit you had created or answered a personal ad.  I told my friends and we all had a good laugh, but I never did it again. 

By the time I turned 30, online dating sites had popped up.  Still for the desperate, and you still hid that you were on one.  (Funny that you used to be shamed for being on a dating site and now you’re shamed for not being on one.)  What interested me about the sites was that I could search by height.  How easy is that?  Punch in some stats and look at all the tall men.  If only it were that easy. 

I did Match sporadically for a year or two.  I’d join for a month if I saw a few interesting guys.  During that time-span, I met two guys and had one date with each of them.  I liked them ok, but they weren’t into me.  (Another recurring theme.)  I even had one guy who, after I sent him a quick hello, responded by telling me he was uncomfortable dating a woman taller than him, and wasn’t interested.  He was maybe 6’4”. 

In addition to online dating, I also experienced working with a matchmaker.  I won (was it really a win though?) a free three-month membership to “It’s Just Lunch”, a service that fixes people up on blind dates over the lunch hour.  My workplace has a yearly retreat and we used to draw prizes.  Free hotel nights, rounds of golf, etc.  My friend Denise ended up with the IJL membership and thought it would be a little too personal to give that away at the staff outing (how to explain that to your spouse?).  She sent an email to our group explaining the situation and said that any interested parties could email her to be in the running for the membership.  It would be anonymous to all but her.  I immediately emailed her that I was interested.  I think the cost of a three-month membership was around $300 at the time.  Denise gave us a week to respond.  As the week neared to an end, she would whisper, “It’s just you!” as I walked by.  Sure enough, no one else emailed her and I claimed the prize. 

Feeling hopeful, I went to the IJL office for an hour-long interview and they said they would be in touch.  During those three months, I had exactly three dates.  They call you a couple days before and give you a day/time/place, and tell you about your date – age, general occupation, and a few details.  For me, they added height. 

My first date thought I was too old (odd, since he knew my age before he met me and could have backed out).  The second thought I was too tall (another 6/4” guy).  The third was nice enough, but not a match.  (Unlike the three bears story, he wasn’t “just right.”) 

Overall, I liked the idea of IJL and the short, more informal dates.  I requested that they set me up with taller men, so maybe that’s the reason for my low number of dates.  Regardless, the service is a little pricey, so I didn’t continue. 

In my late 30s I tried eHarmony.  My mom had talked to a friend at church who mentioned that her son met his wife on eHarmony.  After hearing my mom bring up this topic for the umpteenth time, I had another moment of weakness and signed up.  For a year.  Here was my reasoning:  One month’s membership was maybe $50.  The more months you signed up for, the cheaper the cost per month.  With me signing up for a year, I only paid $10 a month.  I realize I spent more overall on that year, but I felt that one month wouldn’t be enough time. 

After completing the very long evaluation, I began to receive matches.  Here’s the difference with eHarmony – you can’t search for people.  They send matches to you based on your compatibility.  And even though I said that height was very important to me, they continued to send me matches that were 5’3”, 5’6”, 5’8”.  Very few were above 6’0”.  I’m sure they were nice guys.  But that’s not what I want.  I emailed eHarmony about it and they replied that “height is not one of the 29 components of compatibility” and that I was missing out on some wonderful men by limiting my height.  Are you kidding me?  I replied to them that, being a Christian, I was missing out on some wonderful Jewish guys, but that’s not what I was looking for either. 

I suffered through the remainder of my eHarmony year.  Of the 300+ men that I was matched with, I had one date with one guy.  Nice, but not for me. 

In my early 40s I gave Christian Mingle a shot.  (Another moment of weakness, but not to be blamed on my mother.)  Some time had passed since eHarmony.  It’s a Christian site, so thought it would be better.  (How, exactly?)  And I could select guys on this site.  I had one date with a guy who was compatible, age-appropriate, good-looking and 6’5”.  “Perfect” on paper.  Until I found out he had been convicted three times (and spent time in jail) for trying to lure young girls into his car and home. 

You know when you joke to your friends about Googling a guy to make sure he’s not a serial killer?  Imagine Googling a guy and then seeing his mug shot pop up as a convicted sex offender.  I vowed to never go on a dating site again. 

Until this past October.  (That was my heavy sigh you just heard.)

I had thought about joining Match again every so often, but never pulled the trigger.  Last fall I talked to a girlfriend who had just joined Match, and after tweaking my profile, I decided to join for a month.  What harm could there be in giving it one more shot? 

At first, none.  I started corresponding with a nice man (again, perfect on paper), and then we met and went on several dates.  In a nutshell, he was a nice guy, but had stronger feelings for me than I had for him.  Casual dating was not in the cards, so I ended things.  Ending any kind of relationship is never easy, but this situation got a little weird.  I won’t go into detail, but that experience, and the fact that my month had already ended and there were no other interesting fish in the sea, sealed my (hopefully) finite decision to avoid dating sites from here on out.  (Sorry, Our Time!)

Despite my unpleasant experiences, dating sites are not inherently bad.  I know plenty of people who have met their spouses online.  They’re just not for me. 

If you do try one of these sites (or already have), be careful.  Do your homework.  Tell a friend where and when you are meeting someone, and the full name of the person you are meeting.  Listen to your gut.  If you feel that something is off, it probably is.  With the Christian Mingle guy, even though I had a great first date, I didn’t feel excited about it afterward and I had no idea why.  Somehow my gut knew something was “off.”  This carries over to dating people you meet in “real life” as well.  And speaking of real life, I’ve met some great guys the regular way and have had better overall experiences with these men.  I’ll stick to that. 

So what’s a single, 50 year-old woman to do?  I continue to live my life and put myself out there.  I get out and do things I enjoy.  I don’t do things solely to meet someone.  That would be a recipe for constant disappointment.  If I do something I enjoy, and I happen to meet someone?  Bonus!  If not, I still had a blast. 

Most importantly, I pray.  I know God hears me, even though He’s taking His own sweet time.  He has never failed to lead me in the right direction in other aspects of my life, so I trust Him and am confident that He will put the right man in my path at the right time for both of us. 

So besides being more awesome than last year, I suppose my resolution is to let God be my matchmaker from now on.