You say you want a resolution? Well, you know, it’s that time of year for
them, right? Not for me. I avoid waiting until January 1 to implement
my life changes. Yes, some have
coincided with the timing of a brand-new year, but overall, I believe if you
want to make a change, make it right then.
Be it July, October, or whenever.
Over the past year or so, I have resolved to become
more clutter free. I’ve read the books
(among them, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondo, and
“Soulful Simplicity” by Courtney Carver).
I’ve managed to re-organize and purge to a degree. I hope to keep going and then train myself to
not replace the old stuff with new stuff.
As a newly turned 50-year old woman who has never been
married, you might think the new year (and impending Valentine’s Day) would
increase my resolve to join an online dating site. We’re bombarded with ads on TV and online. “Join now!”
“Join for free!” “See our special
deal!” Everyone (seemingly) is doing it,
right? How else am I going to meet
someone?
Stick a fork in me.
I’ve participated in online dating.
And I’m done.
I’ve been single most of my life and have experienced
the growth and now, explosion, of online dating.
In my 20s, there was a thing called a personal ad,
which was printed in newspapers (remember those?). People created a tiny paragraph about
themselves, complete with abbreviations to fit everything in. SWF – single white female. D – divorced.
HWP – height weight proportional.
LTR – long term relationship. You
get the picture. (Although there were no
pictures.) They were something I would occasionally
scan for fun but never thought about responding to. Of course, I’d look for those who listed their
height. So would my mom. She randomly cut them out and gave them to
me. I would promptly toss them in the
trash.
In a moment of weakness (I’ve had a lot of these
unfortunately) I called a guy from a personal ad. We talked a few times and went out once. He was nice, but not for me. (Soon to become a recurring theme.)
Back then, personal ads were for the desperate. You didn’t admit you had created or answered
a personal ad. I told my friends and we
all had a good laugh, but I never did it again.
By the time I turned 30, online dating sites had popped
up. Still for the desperate, and you still
hid that you were on one. (Funny that
you used to be shamed for being on a
dating site and now you’re shamed for not
being on one.) What interested me about
the sites was that I could search by height.
How easy is that? Punch in some
stats and look at all the tall men. If
only it were that easy.
I did Match sporadically for a year or two. I’d join for a month if I saw a few
interesting guys. During that time-span,
I met two guys and had one date with each of them. I liked them ok, but they weren’t into
me. (Another recurring theme.) I even had one guy who, after I sent him a
quick hello, responded by telling me he was uncomfortable dating a woman taller
than him, and wasn’t interested. He was
maybe 6’4”.
In addition to online dating, I also experienced
working with a matchmaker. I won (was it
really a win though?) a free three-month membership to “It’s Just Lunch”, a service
that fixes people up on blind dates over the lunch hour. My workplace has a yearly retreat and we used
to draw prizes. Free hotel nights, rounds
of golf, etc. My friend Denise ended up
with the IJL membership and thought it would be a little too personal to give
that away at the staff outing (how to explain that to your spouse?). She sent an email to our group explaining the
situation and said that any interested parties could email her to be in the running
for the membership. It would be
anonymous to all but her. I immediately
emailed her that I was interested. I think
the cost of a three-month membership was around $300 at the time. Denise gave us a week to respond. As the week neared to an end, she would
whisper, “It’s just you!” as I walked by.
Sure enough, no one else emailed her and I claimed the prize.
Feeling hopeful, I went to the IJL office for an hour-long
interview and they said they would be in touch.
During those three months, I had exactly three dates. They call you a couple days before and give
you a day/time/place, and tell you about your date – age, general occupation,
and a few details. For me, they added
height.
My first date thought I was too old (odd, since he
knew my age before he met me and could have backed out). The second thought I was too tall (another
6/4” guy). The third was nice enough,
but not a match. (Unlike the three bears
story, he wasn’t “just right.”)
Overall, I liked the idea of IJL and the short, more
informal dates. I requested that they
set me up with taller men, so maybe that’s the reason for my low number of
dates. Regardless, the service is a little
pricey, so I didn’t continue.
In my late 30s I tried eHarmony. My mom had talked to a friend at church who mentioned
that her son met his wife on eHarmony. After
hearing my mom bring up this topic for the umpteenth time, I had another moment
of weakness and signed up. For a
year. Here was my reasoning: One month’s membership was maybe $50. The more months you signed up for, the cheaper
the cost per month. With me signing up
for a year, I only paid $10 a month. I
realize I spent more overall on that year, but I felt that one month wouldn’t
be enough time.
After completing the very long evaluation, I began to
receive matches. Here’s the difference
with eHarmony – you can’t search for people.
They send matches to you based on your compatibility. And even though I said that height was very
important to me, they continued to send me matches that were 5’3”, 5’6”,
5’8”. Very few were above 6’0”. I’m sure they were nice guys. But that’s not what I want. I emailed eHarmony about it and they replied
that “height is not one of the 29 components of compatibility” and that I was
missing out on some wonderful men by limiting my height. Are you kidding me? I replied to them that, being a Christian, I
was missing out on some wonderful Jewish guys, but that’s not what I was
looking for either.
I suffered through the remainder of my eHarmony year. Of the 300+ men that I was matched with, I had
one date with one guy. Nice, but not for
me.
In my early 40s I gave Christian Mingle a shot. (Another moment of weakness, but not to be
blamed on my mother.) Some time had
passed since eHarmony. It’s a Christian
site, so thought it would be better. (How,
exactly?) And I could select guys on
this site. I had one date with a guy who
was compatible, age-appropriate, good-looking and 6’5”. “Perfect” on paper. Until I found out he had been convicted three
times (and spent time in jail) for trying to lure young girls into his car and
home.
You know when you joke to your friends about Googling
a guy to make sure he’s not a serial killer?
Imagine Googling a guy and then seeing his mug shot pop up as a
convicted sex offender. I vowed to never
go on a dating site again.
Until this past October. (That was my heavy sigh you just heard.)
I had thought about joining Match again every so
often, but never pulled the trigger. Last
fall I talked to a girlfriend who had just joined Match, and after tweaking my
profile, I decided to join for a month.
What harm could there be in giving it one more shot?
At first, none.
I started corresponding with a nice man (again, perfect on paper), and
then we met and went on several dates. In
a nutshell, he was a nice guy, but had stronger feelings for me than I had for
him. Casual dating was not in the cards,
so I ended things. Ending any kind of
relationship is never easy, but this situation got a little weird. I won’t go into detail, but that experience,
and the fact that my month had already ended and there were no other
interesting fish in the sea, sealed my (hopefully) finite decision to avoid
dating sites from here on out. (Sorry,
Our Time!)
Despite my unpleasant experiences, dating sites are
not inherently bad. I know plenty of
people who have met their spouses online.
They’re just not for me.
If you do try one of these sites (or already have), be
careful. Do your homework. Tell a friend where and when you are meeting
someone, and the full name of the person you are meeting. Listen to your gut. If you feel that something is off, it
probably is. With the Christian Mingle
guy, even though I had a great first date, I didn’t feel excited about it
afterward and I had no idea why. Somehow
my gut knew something was “off.” This
carries over to dating people you meet in “real life” as well. And speaking of real life, I’ve met some
great guys the regular way and have had better overall experiences with these
men. I’ll stick to that.
So what’s a single, 50 year-old woman to do? I continue to live my life and put myself out
there. I get out and do things I
enjoy. I don’t do things solely to meet
someone. That would be a recipe for
constant disappointment. If I do
something I enjoy, and I happen to meet someone? Bonus!
If not, I still had a blast.
Most importantly, I pray. I know God hears me, even though He’s taking
His own sweet time. He has never failed
to lead me in the right direction in other aspects of my life, so I trust Him
and am confident that He will put the right man in my path at the right time
for both of us.
So
besides being more awesome than last year, I suppose my resolution is to let
God be my matchmaker from now on.
